


Grocery Shopping with Ray:  The Trials and Punishment of Brad Colbert

by drowninginspace



Series: I'd rather go to Hell.  Especially since I won't be seeing you in Heaven. [3]
Category: Generation Kill
Genre: Bickering, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Grocery Shopping, M/M, Old Married Couple
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-22
Updated: 2017-06-22
Packaged: 2018-11-17 04:57:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11268390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drowninginspace/pseuds/drowninginspace
Summary: As Brad Colbert walked, his situation awareness was at an all time high.  He had to be alert, ready; prepared for any danger that may come to him at any moment, masquerading as innocent people or inconspicuous objects.  For a man such as himself, whose warrior spirit was a testimony to his success at doing just that, it was really just another ordinary day.  So why, in the name of a god that didn’t exist, did he feel like the greatest fool to ever walk on earth (certain officers from First Recon not included, of course)?





	Grocery Shopping with Ray:  The Trials and Punishment of Brad Colbert

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MrsRidcully](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrsRidcully/gifts).



> Please, tell me how it was! Any comments and constructive criticism are welcome. If you'd like to reach me, I'm most active on my Tumblr: @drowninginspace , so please, feel free to come and message me or send an ask. I'm always happy to talk. If you guys have any prompts you want to send me or would like to know if I could do them, I could always use the practice. =)

As Brad Colbert walked, his situation awareness was at an all time high. He had to be alert, ready; prepared for any danger that may come to him at any moment, masquerading as innocent people or inconspicuous objects. For a man such as himself, whose warrior spirit was a testimony to his success at doing just that, it was really just another ordinary day. So why, in the name of a god that didn’t exist, did he feel like the greatest fool to ever walk on earth (certain officers from First Recon not included, of course)?

Scanning the area around him and landing somewhere to his left, he saw the answer to this dilemma. The main reason Brad was standing around in a liberal, dick suck, pansy ass grocery store looking like a nitwit was the one and only, Ray Person. Who happened to be riding the grocery cart towards him at full speed, diminishing what little warrior spirit Brad had left. They’d have to have a talk about that later.

“Ray, I understand that the farm that you call a town had very little use for manners and other hallmarks of civilization, but please, have some mercy on the people here. The fine citizens of the Communist Republic of California rarely see human-animal crossbreeds and you might offend their pure, untainted sensibilities.”

“No way Brad. I joined the Marine Corps and served two tours. In their eyes, that makes me even more worthy of affection and praise. Which also happens to include getting away with acting like a retard whenever I want. All in all Brad, not a bad deal for getting shot at. And putting up with Trombley. Wait, never mind, I take it all back. Nothing will ever compensate for the utter fear and terror I felt being in the same vehicle as him, wondering if I would live to see another day, longing for those sweet days where First recon wasn’t filled with psychopaths and future murderers. I still mourn poor innocent Jasmine. They should really pay me for all those brain cells I lost. I mean, you can’t get those back, like, ever. So it only makes sense that I, a fine upstanding former Marine, take advantage of the system these pussy liberals have forced upon us. Wait, why do we use the word pussy to describe someone as weak, and not, i don’t know, dick. Like, think about it homes. The female body carries a child for nine months and then she pushes it out of a three inch hole for hours filled with mind blowing pain. Meanwhile, you touch a dick the wrong way and it breaks. It just doesn’t make any sense and we shou-”

Here, Ray was cut off by Brad pushing him and the cart out of harm’s way, which is a pile of delicately stacked can in this scenario. He might have put a little more force into it than necessary, but really, Brad felt justified. He was protecting Ray and letting off a little steam in healthy and relaxing ways. Now they just needed to hurry up and leave, before someone recognized him. He had a reputation to uphold.

“As interesting it is to hear you discuss the various human genitalia and their relative strength, I believe we need to move on. That old lady with the bird’s nest on her head’s been shooting us dirty looks. I’d hate to be on the evening news just because you insisted that stepping foot inside a grocery store would change our relationship forever.”

“First of all Bradley, no need to be all pretend annoyed. I know you love me and there’s nothing you can do about it. The fact that you were the little spoon last night says it all.”

“I was the little spoon last night because someone doesn’t understand the concept of time and came home late. And then you proceeded to act like a degenerate octopus and squeezed the life out of me. None of that says love. I keep you around due to the various other uses of your mouth. Which is very deceptive at times. But then again, it does make sense to have that much stamina with how much time you waste everyday perfecting the art of long, random tangents that no one except your mother and the only pig on the entire farm encourages you to go on.”

“Lies, all lies. I know for a fact that you wouldn’t put up with my whisky tango ass otherwise, so there’s no point in denying your manly love for me. Everyone here knows it. See, even that lady sees it. The epicness of our tragic, star-crossed love has softened her heart towards us.”

“More like she was frightened by the intensity of my warrior spirit.”

“No, Brad, that wasn’t it at all. Your situational awareness is going down, you should really do something about that. Going on, before I was so rudely interrupted when I was in the middle of educating your emotionally constipated Iceman ass. Second, everyone knows that if you’re in a relationship, you have to do cute coupley things. It’s, like, the law. Even our manly love affair isn’t an exception. So that is why we are here in a grocery store, to cement our relationship by doing the most horrifying yet necessary part of being in a relationship such as ours: being domestic. And third, the food in your refrigerator sucks, dude. I mean, how can you have muscle milk but not bread or eggs? It doesn’t make any sense.”

“Point Ray. I shall endeavor to keep the primitive mating rituals of these weak and pathetic excuse for people in the back of my mind as we continue with our lives. Or as I continue my life. I’m not sure if making screeching sounds in a “band”, gaining 10 pounds worth of chocolate every day, annoying the entirety of Bravo and the world and attempting to fornicate with farm animals counts as a life, but to each his own. The cereal aisle is here.”

Trying to move down the row, Brad’s path was blocked by Ray, who had suddenly halted and stopped the cart with him. Brad was tempted to push him forward himself, his irritation at being here growing. But Ray turned around and one look at his large brown eyes, so soulful, having seen all the horror in the world and remaining unbroken, and Brad was lost in them. It should have been a warning, really, of what was about to come. Ray never pulled that face unless he was up to something. In that moment, however, he knew nothing else but Ray. It was proof towards how soft he was becoming, weak, everything he had once hated. Yet people change, and Brad wasn’t really different from anyone else. 

“Brad?”

There were those eyes again. Damn it Ray! He knew he wasn’t supposed to make them go big like that. It was dangerous, making Brad so weak at the knees.

“...... Yes Ray?”

Leaning closer, he tilted his mouth up towards Brad, so that their lips were almost touching, eyes drinking each other in.

“I love it when you talk intellectual to me. It makes my dick hard”

And it seemed that Ray would never change.

Manhandling the cart away from Ray, Brad moved forward in attempt to quicken this shopping trip. He just wanted to go home and have some mind blowing sex. Was that really so much to ask for? Apparently it was, because when confronted with 50 different types of cereal Ray just had to stop and examine each one. 

“Is it really too difficult between Froot Loops and Cinnamon Toast Crunch? Especially when we’ll end up buying Cocoa Puffs. I mean, even goddamn Encino Man would be able to figure this out. Which is really sad and pathetic, considering he needs Casey Kasem to tell him which side of the bed to get out of in the morning. It’s an insult to your intelligence really, what little you have of it anyway.”

 

“Brad, I know that your ice cold heart doesn’t understand the meaning of fun. You probably spend your off time doing paperwork for enjoyment. But food is like religion and you can’t mess up, not with this. There’s so many to choose from and they’re all just waiting to be taken home and loved. Lucky Charms, Corn Pops, Cookie Crisp, Apple Jacks, Rice Krispies, Honey Nut Cheerios, Fruity Pebbles, Cap’n Crunch, Trix, Reese’s Puffs…”

Sighing, Brad took the cart and moved towards the produce and dairy section. Knowing Ray, he’d be there for a while, admiring the options. While Brad would have liked to speed things up a bit, he was loathe to take away these small happinesses from Ray. They got to make so little of their own choices in Iraq and the orders they were given weighed down on almost each and every one of them. These actions, choosing your own cereal, were a blessing, proof that you control your own life and things will slowly become better. And since Ray would be handling the junk food aspect of it, Brad resigned himself to the health side. It was better this way anyway. Ray probably couldn’t tell the difference between broccoli and cauliflower if heaven opened up and pointed him towards the correct one, that inbred cousin fucker. 

Moving quickly and efficiently, Brad made his rounds to all the necessary aisles and dumped what he need perhaps a bit unceremoniously but hey, he get’s an A for effort, right? Making his way to the ice cream section in the frozen aisle, where Ray was sure to be, Brad stopped every now and then to look at the various frozen dinners on display. Just because he was able to cook didn’t mean he wanted to waste a perfectly fine California evening slaving in the kitchen like some lovesick, 50’s housewife, waiting for her douche of a husband to come back from his 9-5 prison. No, he’d rather spend what little time he had left before he was deployed in bed with the inbred sister fucker that was voluntarily choosing to spend his entire life with. Preferably in a bed and fucking each other’s brains out. And nothing says romance more than a frozen pizza and a cold six pack in front of the TV. 

“Hey Brad, check it out. What flavor should we get. I can’t choose between Americone Dream and Brownie Batter Core. It’s so difficult. Brain… not working… pain… Curse you Ben & Jerry’s!!!”

With this last exclamation, Ray dropped to the ground, threw his head back and raised his hands to the sky, as if pleading with god to deliver him from making such a difficult decision. Under normal circumstances, Brad would have walked away and let that moonshine sipping, cocaine snorting goat fucker explain to the manager why he was causing a disturbance. However, Brad was planning on getting laid tonight. And say what you will about Ray, but that hick had standards. So unless Brad wanted to have a change in sleeping arrangements tonight (aka: sleep on the couch), he would have to play his part in the drama Ray was creating. If completing Ray’s fantasy of domestic grocery shopping would get the job done, so be it.

“Now, now, dear. No need to make a scene. In fact, you won’t have to make a choice at all. My love for you is endless and as a result, I’ve decided you can get both. It was such a difficult choice, I didn’t want to see you suffer through all that agony.”

It might have taken some effort to get those words out of his mouth but the result was well worth it. A smile slowly lit up Ray’s face, a stark contrast to that day on the football field, so long ago. Picking himself off the floor, he proceeded to drape himself all over Brad, in a series of overly breathy sighs and flourishes. That little nerfherder was milking this for all it was worth.

“Oh Brad, I knew you loved me but I never realized how much. I’ll never doubt your love for me as long as I live, I promise. It’s just that, sometimes, I feel like it’s not enough. But then you go and do things like these and I realize, we can make this work Brad. We belong together and nothing can change that. As long as we have each other, it’s enough.”

And with that, Ray took a deep, shuddering breath and laid down his head on Brad’s chest, all for the benefit of the people who had stopped and started to stare. For a moment, Brad wondered how this all came to happen. How did he end up in a grocery store with Ray draped all over him, his heartfelt confession lingering in the air, enjoying the stupidity of it all ? Who knows. Definitely not Brad, who just wanted to get home already.

“Alright, enough fooling around, you pathetic waste of human tissue. I want to actually make it home before my next deployment and there’s too many old people at the checkout line to even make that a possibility.”

“You Romeo you! You really need to stop it with all this PDA Brad. You’re making me blush. And I see a cashier setting up, if you want to suffer through the indignity of running to be first in line.”

“Ray, I survived over six months in a war torn country wearing a uniform that smelled like the inside of a dump and forced to go from an elite killing force to the military equivalent of a circus train. I doubt anything but small rags of my dignity remain, and even then, they’re most likely floating around in the vast Iraqi desert with it’s unconquerable weather, with the greatest military in history forced to submit against the might power if the Shamal.”

“You realize if you spent half as much time trying to get home as you did giving long, manly monologues, we’d be in bed by now.”

“Shut up Ray.”

Getting in line, Brad was relieved to find that the child working at the register was decent at his job, getting all the items scanned and bagged in a record amount of time. It was bad enough that they had wasted so much time wandering around and holding their d**ks, anymore delays and he wouldn’t be held responsible for any actions he might take. But his ordeal was almost over, so California didn’t need to worry about any Recon marines running around murdering people due to a lack of sexual activity. They just had to load all the items in the back of the car and they’d be off, a night of pleasure awaiting both of them. 

Unfortunately for Brad, although he didn’t know this, life had a tiny detour waiting for him. A detour which happened to be a mentally 10-year old Ray. 

With all the groceries loaded and finished, Brad took a short second to check his phone, shooting a text to Walt about their weekend plans. In the 15 seconds that it took to do all of this, it got quiet. Not quiet, as in, the entire-world-stops-and-an-eerie-hush-falls-over-everything quiet. Quiet meaning, Ray’s background chatter is no longer audible and it feels extremely strange and out of place to not have a whisky tango fuck up constantly bothering him. Looking up to investigate the source of this uneasy happening, Brad saw perhaps one of the most frightening scenes in his entire war and battle filled life.

“What, if I may ask, the ever loving FUCK are you put to, you son of a backwoods, redneck, pot smoking whore?”

Grinning at him with a maniac smile on his animated face, Ray sat in the previously empty grocery cart, feet tucked in and arms wrapped around his legs. If it was any other time, Brad would stop to admire how much of his Recon training Ray had attained (or mourned the loss of his situational awareness) but that wasn’t the point right now. No, what mattered was that they were losing precious time and Brad really, really needed to ease the stiffness at the front of his pants. Which wouldn’t happen if he was stuck in this parking lot for another hour. So Ray had better explain within the next 10 seconds or…

“Come on Brad! You completed every other step of the “couples going grocery shopping together” checklist. Just do this last one, for your pal Ray-Ray and we’ll be good to go.”

“How, in the name of name being out there that can show some mercy, do you expect me to do something if I don’t know what you want me to do?”

“Isn’t it obvious? One of those cutesy, we’re-having-so-much-fun-together moments where you push me really fast in a shopping cart and hop along for the ride. And the lot’s on a slope too, so it’ll be even more fun. I checked.”

“..........”

“.........”

“So you drove us 45 minutes away from home because this store had a slope and the others didn’t? Is that what you’re telling me Ray?”

“Brad, come ooooooon. It’ll be fuuuuuun. We can even take a picture and send it to Walt, that corn fed country hick. Show him what he’s missing out on, if only he’d taken my offer. But noooo, he didn’t want to spend time with his war buddies. He’d rather spend time with Gabr-”

While Ray launched into a tirade against Walt’s poor girlfriend, Brad did some quick mental math. He could hold his ground and refuse to participate in Ray’s stupid idea. This would most likely lead to a long argument and a night on the couch. Or he could agree to do it, speed things up, and enjoy the benefits of a fully satisfied Ray at home. The answer obvious, Brad gave a deep sigh and started to wheel Ray a bit further away from the slope, so they could build enough steam for a proper ride.

“Honestly, the things I do for you. And you aren’t even thankful, not one bit. I suffer blow after blow to my dignity everyday, and this is how I get repaid? The tantrums of an overgrown half horse, half human man child whose sole purpose in life is to bring misery upon everything in it’s path.”

“I love you too Big Gay Brad, but can your dignity really suffer blows if you never had any in the first place? Not to mention that you’re the one in a relationship with a farm animal, so really, this is all on you. Yeah, stop right here. I just need to get my phone out and we’re set.”

Checking to see that Ray was ready, Brad pushed the cart and got to a running start. When he was sure that they had built enough speed and the direction they were going in wouldn’t hit people or cars, he stopped and quickly jumped onto the little rack built underneath, letting the shopping cart move by itself. Normally, Brad wouldn’t have even let the idea enter his head, let alone act out on it. But with Ray’s big whoops and cries of laughter ringing in his ears, the wind blowing against his face, and eventually Ray’s lips on his own, it was hard to imagine why he was so against it in the first place.

And if Walt received a picture from Ray the next day, no one but them would know. Just like no one but Walt would be aware of how, when Ray and Brad are kissing in the picture, there’s a sunset behind them, fracing their faces and bathing them in a soft, content glow. Just like no one but Walt would know how much he laughed his butt off when he realized that this was their twisted version of the prince carrying the fair maiden off into the sunset, to live happily ever after. 

( It was better this way. Brad would have killed him and quietly disposed of his body if he ever mentioned it to anyone, least of all Bravo or First Recon. He had a reputation to uphold, after all, and those guys were merciless with their teasing.)

**Author's Note:**

> Please, tell me how it was! Any comments and constructive criticism are welcome. If you'd like to reach me, I'm most active on my Tumblr: @drowninginspace , so please, feel free to come and message me or send an ask. I'm always happy to talk. If you guys have any prompts you want to send me or would like to know if I could do them, I could always use the practice. =)


End file.
